Alright pre-conception dads ... here's your chance to find out whether you've got what it takes to be a parent. Follow these 14 simple tests.

Test 1 - Preparation

Dads-to-be:
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly into their account.
3. Pick up a newspaper and read it for the last time in peace.

Get your partner to:
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months she can remove 5% of the beans.
4. Ask her how she feels.


Test 2 - Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Put the wet bag in your car and drive aimlessly for 30 minutes.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.


Test 3 - Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which
they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Memorise their faces of disbelief and dispair, this will be you in a few years time.


Test 4 - Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.


Test 5 - Cars
1. Sell your BMW and buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Pour approximately 1 litre of milk on your back seat. Park your car in the sun.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits, mash them and sprinkle evenly throughout car interior.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.


Test 6 - Going For a Walk
Wait - Go out the front door - Come back in again - Go out - Come back in again - Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Wave and smile.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.


Test 7 - Communication Skills
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.


Test 8 - Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.


Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.


Test 10 - TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney as well as all the engines from Thomas the Tank Engine (and their correct numbers).
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.


Test 11 - Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.


Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Daddy', 'Mummy', 'Potty' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each recording. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.


Test 13 - Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the tape listed above.

If you can remember more than 3 things you or the other person said during the conversation you are ready to talk to children.


Test 14 - Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

If you feel you've passed all tests you may now have unprotected sex with your partner!

Good Luck :-)