A modest proposal on keeping everyone happy

With all the kerfuffle over the recent police raids, and the threatened use of anti-terrorism laws, it seems to me that a whole lot of different groups may just be a little peeved; either at how such operations are conducted, or at the response to them. Perhaps, then, it’s time for a common sense look at how we can keep everyone happy, and still maintain a rule of law within our little, divided community. So, I propose that we immediately adopt the following 9 point plan:

1. Any and all persons who take issue against any or all policies of any or all governments will announce so in a peaceful, non obstructive manner. I would suggest an essay, of no fewer than 600 words, entitled “Why (GE / Crown Law / Animal Exploitation / Insert Grievance Here) Makes Me Grumpy.”

2. From here on in, whenever they arrest anyone, for anything, the police will consult with the suspects’ friends and family first. Not only will this avoid any cultural or civil rights violations, but in the event that the proposed arrestee doesn’t think he’s guilty, it will give him time to get away.

3. In addition to consultation, the police will publish a full list of every charge, piece of evidence or surveillance finding no less than one week in advance of their planned operation. This, again, allows the suspected, and all of their associates, to destroy any proof of involvement without the hassle of being caught whilst doing so.

4. All protest events must be cleared under the Resource Management Act prior to being undertaken.

5. Any politician who wishes to propose a bill to parliament, or question an existing law, will have to go three rounds with Trevor Mallard in the House foyer prior to being admitted to the debating chamber.

6. All land ownership throughout New Zealand will automatically revert to whoever is standing on it at the time.

7. Firearms will only be sold to persons providing a valid firearms license, background check, DNA sample, polygraph test and sworn pledge of allegiance to their choice of Diana, Roman Goddess of hunting and chastity, or Diana, Princess of Wales (deceased).

8. All off the cuff statements from involved parties which contain the words “Apartheid”, “Holocaust”, “Genocide” and “Fascist State” will be taken with a grain (approx 0.001 grams) of salt.

9. All judges, juries and educated commentators will be replaced by talkback radio callers and bloggers, including your humble author, thus saving everyone the time and expense of a fair trial and hearing both sides of the story.

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