I am alone - nobody loves me

This week’s article is about a core belief I found a challenge to work with when I first encountered someone who believed this. Since then I have worked with a number of people in the same situations. We will call this particular client Paul. Paul had come to see me as he was struggling to control his outbursts of rage and that this was becoming more frequent. He also told me that he became very violent towards people when in this situation.

Another thing I found interesting was that he did not want to discuss his child hood and was more focused on current events, re: what he had done to people when he went into a rage. He told me this rage had nothing to do with his childhood. I then started to approach this from a different angle.

Coach: Paul, tell me about your Mum and Dad and what sort of people they were.
Paul: Dad was a very hard worker and always wanted to do the best for the family. He often went out with his mates fishing and also played in Pool competitions at the local pub. I would sometimes go fishing with him as well. He would often win competitions and bring home prizes for the family. Mum was very much a person who kept to herself, and would seem to go along with whatever dad did, yet often found it a challenge to handle his mood swings and behaviour. She did not confront him very much either.
Coach: Paul you talk about your dad’s mood swings and behaviour, can you tell me more about this?
Paul: Well dad would often drink when out with his mates and come home intoxicated. This started to become more frequent as time went on. I do feel this has nothing to do with what is happening to me, because we have sat and discussed this as a family, and the drink was the problem - not dad. Since I was about 13 dad has not drunk anymore.
Coach: Paul I hear what you are saying. Tell me why do feel that the drink was to blame for this?
Paul: Well dad said that when people drink, it can often change the way they behave and also some people do not know what they are doing at the time, because they drink too much and then the next day people tell them what happened.
Coach: Paul do think people have a choice to as to wether they want to drink or not?
Paul: Yes they do.
Coach: So did your dad have a choice?
Paul: Yes.
Coach: So if that is the case, is the drink to blame for what happened?
Paul: Shit, shit, I did not look at it that way.
Coach: Paul when you were a child and Dad was drinking, how did you feel?
Paul: I often felt very scared and alone. I felt there was no one to talk to. I became very quiet and shy and would just go and do a lot of things by myself.
Coach: Paul if you look back now is there anything you would have liked to have heard your mum and dad say to you?
Paul: The first word that came to me was love. Yes that’s it, that they loved me. They often tell me that nowadays. As an adult I know they do.
Coach: So Paul what do you think you believed about yourself, based on what you experienced?
Paul: That I was alone and nobody loved me.
Coach: Paul after this dialogue between us, do you see how no one is actually to blame here. Do you also see how you as a child and based on what you experienced, your perception of yourself is that you are alone and nobody loves you.
Paul: Yes, I do see the connection now and maybe we can look to change this.
Coach: Most certainly you sound very excited.
Paul: I am.
Once again another person allowing themselves to be open to understand that you are who you are based on your past. Once you become aware of how this can affect certain situations in your current life you have the opportunity to make changes.

Quote:

“What you resist will persist”

You can contact Jay by phone on +64-9-815-7855, or you can email him.